Posts Tagged ‘Ubisoft’
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Well, E3 is on us now. Big press conferences from Microsoft, EA, Ubisoft, and of course Sony. The future of video games outlined in roughly eight hours of trailers, interviews, and conference chatter. For most gamers this is the biggest week of the year. I, myself, take vacation time from work just to watch this stuff live. So, after the first day, I’m excited to announce that it’s all completely a waste of time.
That might sound harsh, but I’m just relating to you what I saw today after watching all that trite filibustering. Video games (as we currently know them) are dead. Well, more accurately, they’re on a life support system because no one (else) is willing to admit they’re dead.
Now, before I get to far ahead of myself – let’s recap the day for you.
XBox 360: The highlight of the show was a little kid saying “fiiiiiiiist buuuuump” after demoing a Kinect game. In fact, the entire show was about Kinect. Guess what? Every single game you think you’d want to play is now designed for Kinect. There’s now Kinect Recon, Forza Kinect 4, Mass Kinect 3, and every EA sports game in Kinect 12 version. There will also be some new games, Disneyland Kinect, Minecraft Kinect, and Rome of War Kinect. Oh! And Kinect is glad to destroy solid, beloved franchises too! Namely Star Wars Kinect and Fable Kinect. Trust me, they both look indescribably horrid. The best part is that every single Kinect game is essentially Sonic the Hedgehog or Super Monkey Ball except YOU run around the room flailing your arms and crying like a four year old with a dirty diaper on a sugar rush. It’s not really gaming. It’s acting stupid while trying to collect coins or mouse ears or not crash your car – all while the game takes pictures of you in all your stupid looking glory and then automatically loads them to Facebook for you, where your friend’s Sims can mock you.
Oh, that brings us to the EA press conference.
Their big announcements were the Sims on Facebook (complete with a disturbing trailer) and a very long demo of Call of Duty: Tank Field 3. Of course they also had a thirty minute showing of FIFA and their very new “foobowl club” system. Yes, the guy said it like that. “Foobowl Club” about fifteen times. I guess since the NFL is on lockout and probably won’t play this year they had to settle for soccer. They also took a little time to completely destroy their Need for Speed franchise – but don’t worry, there’s about sixty other, better racing games out there.
And, no, Driver isn’t one of those. In fact, Driver is one of the worst driving games of all – which is no surprise since it comes from Ubisoft where they solidly believe in killing every good game they ever make with one hundred and twenty sequels within a three year time span. Their newest dead series is Assassin’s Creed. Any time you have to add a gatling-gun flamethrower to your stealth game you should know you’re headed in the wrong direction.
Speaking of the wrong direction: good job Sony!! What in the world will it take to make you guys realize your handheld system isn’t going to sell? It’s not enough that the PSP fails, and the PSP Go fails, but now you need to waste time and effort on a third installment that is just barely an upgrade? Ooooh, it has a creepy touchpad and two thumbsticks. Neato! Talk about stubborn. Well, at least you didn’t do something stupid like give exclusive 3G internet rights to AT&T. Oh… wait, you DID do that? Brilliant. No, really, I can’t tell you how proud I was of the audience for booing you when you announced that, you morons.
Why am I so certain that the Playstation Vista or whatever will fail? Because it’s not a phone. Yes, a PHONE. Or a Tablet, though I’m not sure that’ll be able to kill a phone either. Bottom line: people already spend hundreds a month on a handheld computer they can’t live without. A computer that has a phone, texting, the internet, and dozens and dozens of addictive games that only cost like a buck each. Why does anyone need your stupid ModRacers port when they can play Angry Birds all day? Answer: they don’t. Your PSV is going to fail just like it’s older brothers did. Face it, Sony, you blew it.
(PS- the reason the DS works is two fold: unique games only on DS for a reasonable price and because typical DS players are kids. Sony is trying to capture teens and adults who are already attached to their phones. Fail.)
So, in summary, after day one we found out that Microsoft just wants you to bounce around your room and not actually play any games. Sony has no clue where video games are headed and thus have no intention to make any video games – but they are happy to repackage old games in HD and 3D for you who like to burn money. Ubisoft is strangling their games into a slow, steady death and EA has decided that their best games (basically anything made by Bioware) should never be released to see the sunlight.
Well, that’s not fair. It is true that yet another E3 has gone by without any news on my beloved Star Wars: The Old Republic, but I’m no longer surprised as I’ve now retired this game into the category of games like Beyond Good And Evil 2 and The Last Guardian. You know, games that will never actually exist. Ever. Because their creators know those games are too good for our feeble souls to appreciate.
Still, there are lots of games that will be coming out soon enough. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, Call of Duty: Tank Field 3, Call of Duty: Space Effect 3, Call of Duty: Future Wasteland 3, Call of Duty: Gears of Warfare 3, Call of Duty: Ghost Squad, Call of Duty: EVE Online Shooter, and the most anticipated Call of Duty: Master Chief.
Oh, and also a Catwoman game.
So, there you have it. The end of video games. Unless you like Kinect or Call of Duty or the third game of a series. Then it’s a great year or two for you. Meh. Maybe there will be good news tomorrow with Nintendo? I’m not really holding out hope. Just saying.
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Last week was the big gaming event E3 where most any game coming out this year is announced, previewed, and thrown out for display and testing for the hungry masses. Over the years the event has grown, getting coverage from multiple TV stations (Spike and G4), dozens of magazines, and of course hundreds of websites.
So, with all that media I imagine most of you have seen, read, or heard about everything E3 by now. Still, I’d be remiss if I didn’t add my own spin to the event – especially since I took all these awesome notes while I watched the coverage live. So, let’s get right down to the BlueReview of E3:
First thing you need to know is that I don’t like, enjoy, want, or anticipate either 3-D or motion control. I hope desperately that they’re both fads and they go away quickly. Wearing glasses and dancing around like a buffoon takes me OUT of gaming. Call me old-fashioned but I just want a controller and a chair and the chance to kick off my shoes, recline a bit and enjoy a good story or an explosive throwdown. That said, I’m not going to talk about the Move, Project Natal, Kinect, 3DS, or any of that junk. Yes, I realize I’m in the minority on that, but that means there’s plenty of other places to read all about how you can dance infront of your TV and go “boop boop” with a toy gun. Just not here.
Now that I’ve got that off my chest, let’s talk about some of the cool stuff at E3. If you’re a Nintendo fanboy (like Rob) then you might think you died and went to heaven. New Zelda. New Donkey Kong Country. New Kirby. Remake of GoldenEye. New Metroid. New Mario Sports. And, yes, a new Kid Icarus too. On top of that, there’s a new Epic Mickey game which looks like a classic Nintendo ‘simple style/deep gameplay’ action-platform game with a big name character. In a nutshell, Nintendo made every one of their fans remember those fond days of acne and cooties and playing video games all summer break long while hoping Lisa Nelson would finally look at you without making ‘that face‘ when you told her how her hair reminds you of Princess Peach. Aww yeah, the good old days.
So if Nintendo won the show, who lost? Same exact group that lost last year: Ubisoft. Look, I’m gonna be brutally honest here. EVERYONE likes some Ubisoft game(s). Why? Cause any time Ubisoft makes a game that includes stealth or killing people they rock. They rock hard. The problem is that Ubisoft is actually a company of dream-addicts and heart-huggers who only make (awesome) ‘war’ games to pay for their very failtastic games. Games like “breath in and out” or Laser Tag. Yes, Laser Tag. They called it Laser Tag in the press conference. Ubisoft is trying to resell Laser Tag.
Joel McHale at Ubisoft
What makes the whole Ubisoft press conference experience even more painful is that this year and last they brought Joel McHale (Talk Soup and Community) out to host the event. I don’t know how much they pay him to make fun of their games infront of an audience they want to sell their properties to, but it’s gotta be to much. Don’t get me wrong – Joel is funny, and that is the problem. He’s supposed to be the face of their company but all he does for 2 hours is deface them. It’s almost painful when he makes snide comments about how lucky the main character of their new Driver game is to suffer a coma. Funny but sad.
On the flip side, let’s talk about a paid face of the company that rocks. KEVIN BUTLER. Sony’s Vice President of Motivational Speeches made an appearance during the company’s press conference and easily stole the show. In fact, for my money, Kevin Butler’s speech was the best moment of E3 this year.
Let’s talk about games. After all, that’s what E3 is really all about right? Overall, I give the games this year a score of ‘meh’ and I’ll tell you exactly why. Almost every game we saw in detail this year was more exciting when I didn’t know anything about it last year. Stuff like Metal Gear Rising, Castlevania, Final Fantasy 14, Dead Space 2, Dead Rising 2, FEAR 3, Dragon Quest 9, Spiderman in Time, Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, Medal of Honor, and Force Unleashed 2 all looked a lot better when it was just a teaser trailer or a name drop last year. When I saw video of them this year I just thought ‘meh‘ and moved on. To be honest, most look like another shooter or another God of War ripoff.
To make it worse, nothing new came out that was that impressive. In fact most of the ‘new’ stuff was worse. Hunted is some new dark fantasy 3rd person hack game that looks bulky and boring. Rage looks pretty, but it’s just Quake with a paintjob. There are always a bunch of no-name lame shooters that add nothing to the gameplay like Brink and Bodycount. Vanquished actually might be good, but it looked like a game built on a couple of gimmicks. Enslaved might be good but I wasn’t impressed with just a little combat demo.
The worst though – BY FAR – is the new surprise announcement of Twisted Metal. I think people were so shocked by it’s announcement they didn’t have a chance to process how very, VERY bad the game looks. I mean, for a PS2 game it’s okay I guess. I like when you shoot a building it falls like a stack of cards, and that the controls look slippery and the animations are as smooth as comic-book nerd trying to hit on a booth babe. I know this game has a pre-packaged fandom and people will buy it despite any warnings but I’m pretty certain it will be a massive letdown. Just saying.
Okay, so lets end this on a high note! What games did I like? Let’s start with Star Wars: The Old Republic. I’ll talk more about it later, but for now I’ll say this: “Goodbye Warcraft.”
Also on my list was new title Bulletstorm. I think this first person shooter actually added something to the genre, and could be entertaining in ways beyond “neat, look at this cool gun.” Kicking people so they impale on giant cacti or throwing them in the air then slow motion sniping them with a rocket launcher appeals to me in a very visceral way.
There were a few other titles that caught my eye. Crysis 2 is pretty and now that it’s on a system I can actually play it. Gears of War 3 looks like another decent Gears of War game. Okami has a new DS title that isn’t a direct remake and still looks amazing (and yes, cute). Parasite Eve is back with 3rd Birthday for PSP, and who isn’t excited by another Portal title?
Overall I’d give E3 a couple of stars, or a C plus, or one thumb up. It wasn’t fantastic. Not a lot of stuff really caught my eye. There were a few games totally missing from the show (Last Guardian, Kingdom Hearts, that ‘other Metal Gear Solid game’, Beyond Good and Evil 2, and Final Fantasy Versus XIII all come to mind). And, to be fair, last years E3 was filled with some top tier games and announcements which make this year look a lot more meager in comparison.
By the way, did I mention that Ubisoft is gonna remake Laser Tag? UGH.
