Well, E3 is on us now.  Big press conferences from Microsoft, EA, Ubisoft, and of course Sony.  The future of video games outlined in roughly eight hours of trailers, interviews, and conference chatter.  For most gamers this is the biggest week of the year.   I, myself, take vacation time from work just to watch this stuff live.  So, after the first day, I’m excited to announce that it’s all completely a waste of time.

That might sound harsh, but I’m just relating to you what I saw today after watching all that trite filibustering.  Video games (as we currently know them) are dead.  Well, more accurately, they’re on a life support system because no one (else) is willing to admit they’re dead.

Now, before I get to far ahead of myself – let’s recap the day for you.

XBox 360:  The highlight of the show was a little kid saying “fiiiiiiiist buuuuump” after demoing a Kinect game.  In fact, the entire show was about Kinect.  Guess what?  Every single game you think you’d want to play is now designed for Kinect.  There’s now Kinect Recon, Forza Kinect 4, Mass Kinect 3, and every EA sports game in Kinect 12 version.  There will also be some new games, Disneyland Kinect, Minecraft Kinect, and Rome of War Kinect.  Oh!  And Kinect is glad to destroy solid, beloved franchises too!  Namely Star Wars Kinect and Fable Kinect.  Trust me, they both look indescribably horrid.  The best part is that every single Kinect game is essentially Sonic the Hedgehog or Super Monkey Ball except YOU run around the room flailing your arms and crying like a four year old with a dirty diaper on a sugar rush.  It’s not really gaming.  It’s acting stupid while trying to collect coins or mouse ears or not crash your car – all while the game takes pictures of you in all your stupid looking glory and then automatically loads them to Facebook for you, where your friend’s Sims can mock you.

Oh, that brings us to the EA press conference.

Their big announcements were the Sims on Facebook (complete with a disturbing trailer) and a very long demo of Call of Duty: Tank Field 3.  Of course they also had a thirty minute showing of FIFA and their very new “foobowl club” system.  Yes, the guy said it like that.  “Foobowl Club” about fifteen times.  I guess since the NFL is on lockout and probably won’t play this year they had to settle for soccer.  They also took a little time to completely destroy their Need for Speed franchise – but don’t worry, there’s about sixty other, better racing games out there.

And, no, Driver isn’t one of those.  In fact, Driver is one of the worst driving games of all – which is no surprise since it comes from Ubisoft where they solidly believe in killing every good game they ever make with one hundred and twenty sequels within a three year time span.  Their newest dead series is Assassin’s Creed.  Any time you have to add a gatling-gun flamethrower to your stealth game you should know you’re headed in the wrong direction.

Speaking of the wrong direction: good job Sony!!  What in the world will it take to make you guys realize your handheld system isn’t going to sell?  It’s not enough that the PSP fails, and the PSP Go fails, but now you need to waste time and effort on a third installment that is just barely an upgrade?  Ooooh, it has a creepy touchpad and two thumbsticks.  Neato!  Talk about stubborn.  Well, at least you didn’t do something stupid like give exclusive 3G internet rights to AT&T.  Oh… wait, you DID do that?  Brilliant.  No, really, I can’t tell you how proud I was of the audience for booing you when you announced that, you morons.

Why am I so certain that the Playstation Vista or whatever will fail?  Because it’s not a phone.  Yes, a PHONE.  Or a Tablet, though I’m not sure that’ll be able to kill a phone either.  Bottom line:  people already spend hundreds a month on a handheld computer they can’t live without.  A computer that has a phone, texting, the internet, and dozens and dozens of addictive games that only cost like a buck each.  Why does anyone need your stupid ModRacers port when they can play Angry Birds all day?  Answer:  they don’t.  Your PSV is going to fail just like it’s older brothers did.  Face it, Sony, you blew it.

(PS- the reason the DS works is two fold:  unique games only on DS for a reasonable price and because typical DS players are kids.  Sony is trying to capture teens and adults who are already attached to their phones.  Fail.)

So, in summary, after day one we found out that Microsoft just wants you to bounce around your room and not actually play any games.  Sony has no clue where video games are headed and thus have no intention to make any video games  – but they are happy to repackage old games in HD and 3D for you who like to burn money.  Ubisoft is strangling their games into a slow, steady death and EA has decided that their best games (basically anything made by Bioware) should never be released to see the sunlight.

Well, that’s not fair.  It is true that yet another E3 has gone by without any news on my beloved Star Wars: The Old Republic, but I’m no longer surprised as I’ve now retired this game into the category of games like Beyond Good And Evil 2 and The Last Guardian.  You know, games that will never actually exist.  Ever.  Because their creators know those games are too good for our feeble souls to appreciate.

Still, there are lots of games that will be coming out soon enough.  Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, Call of Duty: Tank Field 3, Call of Duty: Space Effect 3, Call of Duty: Future Wasteland 3, Call of Duty: Gears of Warfare 3, Call of Duty: Ghost Squad, Call of Duty: EVE Online Shooter, and the most anticipated Call of Duty: Master Chief.

Oh, and also a Catwoman game.

So, there you have it.  The end of video games.  Unless you like Kinect or Call of Duty or the third game of a series.  Then it’s a great year or two for you.  Meh.  Maybe there will be good news tomorrow with Nintendo?  I’m not really holding out hope.  Just saying.