Last week was the big gaming event E3 where most any game coming out this year is announced, previewed, and thrown out for display and testing for the hungry masses.  Over the years the event has grown, getting coverage from multiple TV stations (Spike and G4), dozens of magazines, and of course hundreds of websites.

So, with all that media I imagine most of you have seen, read, or heard about everything E3 by now.  Still, I’d be remiss if I didn’t add my own spin to the event – especially since I took all these awesome notes while I watched the coverage live.  So, let’s get right down to the BlueReview of E3:

First thing you need to know is that I don’t like, enjoy, want, or anticipate either 3-D or motion control.  I hope desperately that they’re both fads and they go away quickly.  Wearing glasses and dancing around like a buffoon takes me OUT of gaming.  Call me old-fashioned but I just want a controller and a chair and the chance to kick off my shoes, recline a bit and enjoy a good story or an explosive throwdown.  That said, I’m not going to talk about the Move, Project Natal, Kinect, 3DS, or any of that junk.  Yes, I realize I’m in the minority on that, but that means there’s plenty of other places to read all about how you can dance infront of your TV and go “boop boop” with a toy gun.  Just not here.

Now that I’ve got that off my chest, let’s talk about some of the cool stuff at E3.  If you’re a Nintendo fanboy (like Rob) then you might think you died and went to heaven.  New Zelda.  New Donkey Kong Country.  New Kirby.  Remake of GoldenEye.  New Metroid.  New Mario Sports.   And, yes, a new Kid Icarus too.   On top of that, there’s a new Epic Mickey game which looks like a classic Nintendo ‘simple style/deep gameplay’ action-platform game with a big name character.  In a nutshell, Nintendo made every one of their fans remember those fond days of acne and cooties and playing video games all summer break long while hoping Lisa Nelson would finally look at you without making ‘that face‘ when you told her how her hair reminds you of Princess Peach.  Aww yeah, the good old days.

So if Nintendo won the show, who lost?  Same exact group that lost last year:  Ubisoft.  Look, I’m gonna be brutally honest here.  EVERYONE likes some Ubisoft game(s).  Why?  Cause any time Ubisoft makes a game that includes stealth or killing people they rock.  They rock hard.  The problem is that Ubisoft is actually a company of dream-addicts and heart-huggers who only make (awesome) ‘war’ games to pay for their very failtastic games.  Games like “breath in and out” or Laser Tag.   Yes, Laser Tag.  They called it Laser Tag in the press conference.  Ubisoft is trying to resell Laser Tag.

Joel McHale at Ubisoft

What makes the whole Ubisoft press conference experience even more painful is that this year and last they brought Joel McHale (Talk Soup and Community) out to host the event.  I don’t know how much they pay him to make fun of their games infront of an audience they want to sell their properties to, but it’s gotta be to much.  Don’t get me wrong – Joel is funny, and that is the problem.  He’s supposed to be the face of their company but all he does for 2 hours is deface them.  It’s almost painful when he makes snide comments about how lucky the main character of their new Driver game is to suffer a coma.   Funny but sad.

On the flip side, let’s talk about a paid face of the company that rocks.  KEVIN BUTLER.  Sony’s Vice President of Motivational Speeches made an appearance during the company’s press conference and easily stole the show.  In fact, for my money, Kevin Butler’s speech was the best moment of E3 this year.

Let’s talk about games.   After all, that’s what E3 is really all about right?  Overall, I give the games this year a score of ‘meh’ and I’ll tell you exactly why.  Almost every game we saw in detail this year was more exciting when I didn’t know anything about it last year.  Stuff like Metal Gear Rising, Castlevania, Final Fantasy 14, Dead Space 2, Dead Rising 2, FEAR 3, Dragon Quest 9, Spiderman in Time, Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, Medal of Honor, and Force Unleashed 2 all looked a lot better when it was just a teaser trailer or a name drop last year.  When I saw video of them this year I just thought ‘meh‘ and moved on.  To be honest, most look like another shooter or another God of War ripoff.

To make it worse, nothing new came out that was that impressive.  In fact most of the ‘new’ stuff was worse.  Hunted is some new dark fantasy 3rd person hack game that looks bulky and boring.  Rage looks pretty, but it’s just Quake with a paintjob.  There are always a bunch of no-name lame shooters that add nothing to the gameplay like Brink and Bodycount.  Vanquished actually might be good, but it looked like a game built on a couple of gimmicks.  Enslaved might be good but I wasn’t impressed with just a little combat demo.

The worst though – BY FAR – is the new surprise announcement of Twisted Metal.  I think people were so shocked by it’s announcement they didn’t have a chance to process how very, VERY bad the game looks.  I mean, for a PS2 game it’s okay I guess.  I like when you shoot a building it falls like a stack of cards, and that the controls look slippery and the animations are as smooth as comic-book nerd trying to hit on a booth babe.  I know this game has a pre-packaged fandom and people will buy it despite any warnings but I’m pretty certain it will be a massive letdown.  Just saying.

Okay, so lets end this on a high note!  What games did I like?  Let’s start with Star Wars: The Old Republic.  I’ll talk more about it later, but for now I’ll say this:  “Goodbye Warcraft.”

Also on my list was new title Bulletstorm.  I think this first person shooter actually added something to the genre, and could be entertaining in ways beyond “neat, look at this cool gun.”  Kicking people so they impale on giant cacti or throwing them in the air then slow motion sniping them with a rocket launcher appeals to me in a very visceral way.

There were a few other titles that caught my eye.  Crysis 2 is pretty and now that it’s on a system I can actually play it.  Gears of War 3 looks like another decent Gears of War game.  Okami has a new DS title that isn’t a direct remake and still looks amazing (and yes, cute).   Parasite Eve is back with 3rd Birthday for PSP, and who isn’t excited by another Portal title?

Overall I’d give E3 a couple of stars, or a C plus, or one thumb up.  It wasn’t fantastic.  Not a lot of stuff really caught my eye.  There were a few games totally missing from the show (Last Guardian, Kingdom Hearts, that ‘other Metal Gear Solid game’, Beyond Good and Evil 2, and Final Fantasy Versus XIII all come to mind).  And, to be fair, last years E3 was filled with some top tier games and announcements which make this year look a lot more meager in comparison.

By the way, did I mention that Ubisoft is gonna remake Laser Tag?  UGH.